PAIN

I have a new found compassion for those who are in constant pain. It's crazy how it wears you down, makes you frustrated, discouraged, impatient, and depressed.  Did I mention grumpy? That too.

I have a genetic flaw in my lower spine. It's hereditary, and only 3% of the population have it. I believe I have my dad to thank for it, as he had similar problems.  One of those joints in my lower spine has "Fascet Joint Trophism". From what I understand, it doesn't lay like a normal joint. It is slightly twisted and turned.  (That doesn't make me twisted people!)

I've also been told I have an SI dysfunction.  I'm no doctor, but I'm guessing the two are connected some how, and I know it causes me lots of hip/low back pain, and numbness in my leg (sciatic nerve).  It first started 22 years ago, with my first pregnancy, and has showed it's ugly face periodically since then.  The older I get, the worse the episodes.  Getting older really is no fun, it's not just a cliche saying.

I've seen doctors, physical therapists, and countless chiropractors.  I think the chiropractor helps the most, but it usually has to get worse before it gets better.  The adjustments cause swelling, muscle tightness, and pain! Not pain during the adjustment, just pain from my body saying - "hey, what are you doing".  But slowly, things start to fall back into alignment, and I feel like a new woman!  The lesson I learned this time around is this, I will never be 100% better or completely normal.  Because of this "twisted joint I'll call it", things get out of alignment quickly.  To prevent painful "episodes" I need to go to the chiropractor for monthly alignments.  Then I won't get so out of alignment that I want to curl up and die in pain.  Picture a car out of alignment, driving down the road.  It works, but over time, it causes other problems.

What usually brings it on is too much lifting and twisting followed by a nice long road trip with lots of sitting. Sitting is the worst for it.  Or standing in one place.  I've had lots of both recently.  From moving furniture and boxes for a rummage sale, to visiting #2 in college for family weekend (4 1/2 hours away), to going back to help #2 move out of her 3rd floor dorm and driving round trip (9 hours) in one day.  That might do it!

The other issue I have is no strength in my core. I need to get the ab and pelvic area strengthened.  Another reason to get in shape.  Why can't I just be a circle??  A circle is a shape, right?  I guess not the shape He created me to be.

My daughter is photographing a wedding this weekend.  Friends from church are getting married, a state away.  My grandson is the ring bearer.  She really needs me there to help with him so she can focus on her duties.  I really want to go. Really.  Monday I was in tears I was in so much pain.  Today I notice improvement, but not enough to go on a five hour road trip.  I wonder what tomorrow holds.

Our God is healer. He is big enough to move mountains.  I have faith he will heal me enough to go on this trip. I will continue to lay it at his feet. And have faith.

He's two!

My daughter K decided to have a big birthday bash for L since they were in Kansas when he turned 1.  She had a "mustache bash" and it was oh so fun (and oh so much work)!  The boy smiled almost the entire time, and I think maybe I did too!

Take a peek!

My boys. One of my favorites of the day. Grampy and stinks.

      

        

Cake pops. Fun to look at, fun to eat. Not fun to make, especially when you are down to the last hour before party time!

The decorations, all made from scratch!  

                                                                     

Daddy joined us from Kuwait.

Look Grammy! A new book!

He loved when we sang to him!

There was even a fun photo booth. That's my boy in the middle!

How did my son get so big? And did DH shrink?

Oh Mother!

Bubbles!

He's so tender hearted.

Sharing with his girl

Handsome lad!

I'm two now, and yes I'm cute!

Reflections

Time is passing. The clock ticks so quickly.

Lately I have been having so many flashbacks. I have to pinch myself because it's hard to believe I'm really this old with this many years between then and now.

A friend posted pictures from her childhood. You know, the faded yellow looking ones. Where you were wearing funny looking clothes and hair. Makes me think of my own childhood. How carefree and wonderful life was back then. The security of knowing mom and dad would take care of you, and your biggest worry was which barbie clothes you were going to trade. In my memories it is almost always summer. And most of my memories end with my dad who is no longer with us. 5 years and my heart still hurts.

Fast forward to high school.  My girls have been through it already, and my son is now in it. The things they are experiencing, the decisions they have to make. Feels like yesterday I was right where they are at. If only I could teach them to learn from my mistakes. But it doesn't work that way...they have to learn on their own, and sometimes....sometimes I have to let them fall down.

Those were the years I met and fell in love with my husband. Love so real. Why is it hard for me to believe that an 19 or 20 year old would even be considering marriage, when that is exactly where we were?  We've grown so much over the years. Learned so much. I can honestly say that some years were not so nice. Like I wanted to die not nice. But I could never live without the love of my life. He truly does complete me.

I must admit that marriage does teach you to be more Christ like. Sacrificing, loving unconditionally, forgiving, serving.  And if I had to, I would die for him. I'm so glad we are past the struggles of our youth, and entering our glory years. The nest is almost empty - and even though that pains my heart a bit, I'm so excited to rediscover him and I!

The baby years, oh the baby years. I loved being pregnant. Loved being a mama. I was born to be this person. Even now, I thoroughly enjoy have a grandchild - it is never a burden - it brings me great joy. Although B doesn't view children with the same eyes that I do - he brings a spark to their lives that I never could, he makes them laugh, he helps them discover, he teaches them to love music and to dance. 

Fast forward through potty training and pimples and prom and graduation, and my firstborn baby is already getting married! Just like that she is a wife, and then a mommy, and now we have another thing in common. Another thing to share in this life. I never imagined how sweet having a daughter as a friend could be!

You hear about how great it is to be a grandparent. How if you could you would have the grand kids first. But you don't truly understand this until you become one.  My grandson brings so much joy to my heart. It is crazy cool to be able to pass things on to you children, and then your grandchildren. It has been amazing watching my husband soften over the years with children and when I watch him now, with our young grandson, my heart turns to a puddle. He has definitely gotten better with age. 

So where does that leave me now? Pretty much all over the board. My oldest is married and a single mom at the moment while her husband is deployed. I want to be there for her and L - as much as I can. Sometimes this requires over night daycare or getting the little man ready for the babysitter while I get ready for work, or picking up some diaper cream while I am out at the store or running dad to her apartment to fix the garbage disposal.  It might mean a quick phone call or text to ask how I cook chicken or what does it mean when you get this charge on your statement. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Am I spread thin sometimes? Yes. Would I ever give it up? NO!

My second born is in college. The first one of the family to go away to a 4 year college. There are days it is hard to look at her empty room.  When she comes home for a visit, my heart has to break all over again when it's time to say goodbye. There are schedules and roommates and finances to worry about. How do I apply for this and what do I do next.  Should I or shouldn't I? Debt, oh my goodness debt. College life, parties, experiences. I'm on my knees often. She makes me proud even though I am frightened. She is an extremely talented artist. My strong willed second born. She has little fear and when she sets out to do something she sticks to it. She helps me when she is home. She makes me laugh. She keeps to herself and doesn't share with me like her older sister does...but when the time is right and the mood is perfect I get to see a glimpse inside.  In many ways she is so much like her father, yet so much like me.

And my baby. I always thought the girls would be the hard ones as teens. He challenges us daily. The boy hates school. He is so smart and naturally gifted with computers and engines or anything that needs fixing or figuring out. The problem is he lacks discipline and maturity. I will be on my knees a lot these next few years. I am going to have to step back from a busy schedule, and pour myself into his life to help him through. The good news is underneath that bad boy exterior is an extremely large heart.  This is what I like to nurture and develop. Some day, his big heart is going to do big things for God's glory.  I just have to be patient and diligent and watch as God works.

Then there is mom.  Mom is a 75 year old lady in an 85 year old woman's body. Definitely older then her years. She desires so much attention and care. She has many ailments and hangups. Some how being the baby I got dubbed as her Power of Attorney, which comes with a lot of responsibility. Taking care of her finances, living arrangements, health concerns and well being is a lot of work.   But she deserves it. She worked full-time for years while raising us four kids. She was always kind and loving and a tad bit silly. She was there for me, and so now I want to be there for her. I pray that some day my own children are there for me! Many times I feel guilt at the short temper or harsh word I may have given her. I want to be a better daughter.

Of course I need to put God and my husband first.  Finding time to spiritually grow and be fed is challenging with a schedule like above.  I need God's word to teach and guide me. I need the devil to quit allowing me to be distracted.  I desire time in prayer with Him. I desire to be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ.  This takes on a whole other schedule of it's own. Knowing where and when to draw the line is difficult.

And B - I don't need to clear my schedule for him. I just have to remind myself to slow down and listen to his needs. Be there for him.  Whether it is sitting and watching the Packers with him or going to watch him play softball. Perhaps listening to him talk about drill presses which I know nothing about, or talking about politics which make my head spin. I love the quiet times when we go for a walk or as we lay in bed just before we fall asleep.  Those are the rare moments we truly have alone to talk and plan and dream.

Just writing it all down in black and white causes me to sigh. Some days I feel like I can't do any one thing well because there are just too many things.  Add to the list a nearly full-time job, where I manage a staff of 5.  It is a beast of its own with plenty of scheduling, planning, auditing, training, encouraging, sales, and detailed organization.  I could do all the other things listed above, full-time, without a full-time job.  And I would love nothing more, but right now I will work full-time here and there.  I daily have to remind myself to rest in where God has me.

No one has the right to ask me how I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday or why I'm always late. No one can, until they've walked in my shoes.

And this is what I'm thinking of tonight, as the movie reel of my life plays loudly in my head. My eyes grow heavy and my shoulders weary. My Savior calls for some quiet time alone with him. With that, I will sign off. For now.

MIA

Have I really been gone from blog land 4 months? It's crazy how time can get away from you!  All of a sudden life came along and swept me away. It has been crazy busy.  The kind of busy that makes you crazy!!  I think I've said crazy three, no four times already!  Getting a glimpse??

Since my last post my youngest daughter has left for college, my oldest daughter and grandson have moved home from Kansas, home as back into my house, and my youngest little/big guy started high school.  I continue to help lead youth group at my church, and teach Sunday school to the junior high with my husband. Lots of packing, moving, unpacking, changes. I keep busy at work as well, as I supervise a branch of our local bank.  One in which, I might add, I recently received the "Employee Excellence Award" for the quarter.  Not bad for a bank with 27 branches and lots of employees to choose from!  Will post more another time.

All that to say - my health has taken the back burner. As much as I want it to be a priority in my life, I let life get in the way. This past year has been amazing for me in that area. I've turned a corner I never have before. It wasn't even really a struggle to be healthy, and the weight was coming off.  I've been derailed in a big way, and am making plans to get back on track!

This week I had my annual exam/physical.  The doctor was thrilled to see I had lost weight since my last visit! I've managed to keep most of it off - only 7 lbs up. Still manageable.  But I'm having some health issues, and in talking with the doctor, she reminded me of how important exercise and eating right are.  I have been under a tremendous amount of stress, and have been dealing with stomach aches for going on 2 weeks now.  I've also been taking naproxin for the swelling/pain in my hip and in my arm.  (S.I. dysfunction in the hip, tennis elbow & carpal tunnel in the arm).  The combination of anti inflammatories and added stress is irritating the lining of my stomach, and the acid is eating away. Fun! I never thought I'd be one of "those" people.  I asked the doctor what happens if it keeps going, and she said it could turn in to ulcers, and eventually cancer.  The S.I. dysfunction in my hip is a constant irritant.  To give you a visual grab your finger, pull out, and twist.  That's what happens with my hip joint.  The ligaments around it are loose, and it never wants to stay in place.  However, if I get it in place and work on strengthening that area and my core group, it may help!  As I do less exercise, it definitely gives me more problems.

More recently my arm has been giving me problems. It started in the wrist.  When I would lift or do anything weight bearing with my wrist, I would get a sharp shooting pain, and it would get weak.  Over a few months it gradually got worse, until Thanksgiving day when I couldn't use it at all. Over the next few days it got worse, and my tendon around my elbow swelled quite a bit. I asked around and did some research (since I have a high deductible insurance and a doctor's visit that isn't routine costs waay too much), and figured it is tendinitis. I kept my wrist in a brace for a couple of week as to give the arm a rest.  Used ice and Aleve, and it has subsided, although not gone away completely.  Doc says as I get older, my body is going to start to give me aches and pains.  I always thought being over 40 was just a myth.  Well guess what, it's not!

Which brings me back to the importance of diet and exercise!  If I feed my body the good stuff, and help it to be as strong as it can be, I'm positive I won't have as many aches and pains, nor side affects from taking medication - as I won't have to take any!  This is my ultimate goal. My vision.  I want to live out the second half of my life in the best shape ever!

All that to stay, I'll start up again after the first of the year. :) My daughter is moving out into her own place. This weekend. We found out this week.  My mom needs to find a new place to live, soon, like by the first.  I help take care of my grandson, and oh yeah - there's this little thing called Christmas coming up too.  I've started to squeak in some walks again - to help with the stress level.  I'm making some healthier choices when I can, but we all know how hard it is to eat healthy when we are busy!  Prayer helps, and I've gotten so busy that I've almost forgot to do that.  I feel like my Savior up and moved away and I don't get to see him much.  But that's my fault, not his.  Above all else, I need to remedy that.

So for the one or two people who have been missing me, there you have it.  A 4 month recap in a nutshell.  My world has been turned upside down for a time. It happens. I'm working on making it right side up. Soon.